Love Bug
by Redwood 2.0
Summary: The tale of dastardly and deadly villain, Balthazar Van Alsberg as he finally triumphs of his arch nemesis Jareth, King of the Goblins. Or at least that would be the story if it weren't for that brat Sarah Williams. (Just a bare smidge of J/S)


The shadows wrapped around him like a menacing cloak of shadowy, dark... shadows.

A lone sliver of light fell dramatically across the eyes of the evil sorcerer Balthazar Van Alsberg, who stood in the corner, watching his prisoner with animalistic glee.

The dungeon itself was dank with rot, the walls slick and damp.

Dark, dank and damp.

The three d's.

That's what Balthazar was aiming for with the ambience of his dungeon.

Of course the Goblin King had invented the three d's but his ran more the lines of: dazzling, devious and... um... well the last d was his... um, y'know... The _D._

And right in the centre, bound in heavy, grey chains was the dishonoured King himself. His head was lowered, (in shame perhaps) and his golden halo of hair fanned out, shielding his face.

He was shackled at the wrists to the stone floor, forcing him to kneel.

Balthazar liked that. It really _highlighted_ just how far the King had fallen. Who out of the pair _really_ held the power.

The Great Fae ruler, the Stormbringer, who had been considered a master strategist, foiled enemy after enemy, had been bought to his knees before him.

Just like he had always meant to be. Just like _everyone_ had always meant to be.

The King, his dark blue suit singed, with a slight tear in the shoulder and mud soaked the cuff of his left leg, hadn't said anything in close to an hour. In fact, he hadn't moved in almost an hour either.

Balthazar had been standing around for nearly 10 minutes now and the King hadn't even noticed.

Balthazar frowned.

What was the point of kidnapping one of the world's once most powerful fae if all his efforts weren't properly rewarded with attention.

Balthazar drew himself to him full height, which was admittedly not very high.

He could see now why the King wore heels.

Those extra few inches would have lent Balthazar a touch more of an imposing attitude. Maybe he should start wearing heels... Then again, according to his mother, wearing heels all day really pinched at the toes. And he didn't really want the back problems either.

Pushing his thoughts aside Balthazar gathered his cloak, not the figurative shadowy cloak of dark shadows, but the actual, literal cloak that he was wearing and stepped forward, glaring mercilessly down at his prisoner with eyes like gaping, bottomless pits (just like he'd practised in the bathroom mirror).

"Goblin King," his lip curled up in a sneer, "finally you're within my grasp!"

The King shifted a bit and muttered something.

Maybe it was the iron? Perhaps it was poisoning him to the point where he was incoherent.? Balthazar leaned down to check and make sure he hadn't killed him. The King's eyes were smudged with electric blue eye liner, lightly shut and his face was slack.

Maybe the iron was hitting him really hard.

Balthazar nudged him slightly with his boot and the Goblin King snorted a little.

How **rude**! Balthazar came to a shocking realisation. The Goblin King had fallen asleep.

Balthazar cleared his throat loudly, giving the King a little kick.

The King jerked awake, eye lids fluttering, "Oh," he said, mildly surprised if not slightly disappointed, like he'd ordered 12 pack of dumplings from the local Chinese take-away, opened the cardboard box and found fried rice, "hello."

Well... That was a bit of a shock! How does one approach a situation where the captive didn't seem to phased with his captivity.

"Goblin King," repeated Balthazar, "finally you're within my grasp!"

"So it appears," the Goblin King agreed, blinking sleep from his eyes, "And in a dungeon too! How quaint. Positively archaic."

Balthazar growled deep in his throat, "You've foiled my schemes for the last time _my King_ ," he sneered mockingly, he gave a scornful laugh before continuing, "Fortunately for me, or rather _unfortunately_ for you, I'll kill you before you have another chance to."

"Wait," the King tilted his head curiously, and Balthazar tensed under his soul piercing gaze, "Beelzebub? Beelzebub Venbrag? Is that you?"

Balthazar brought up his nasty smirk again. "Actually, it's Balthazar. Balthazar Van Alsberg! Your greatest enemy and threat!"

The King's brow furrowed in confusion, "What are _you_ doing here?"

Balthazar's smirk slid off his face, "What?"

"How are involved in all of this, Bratwurst?"

Balthazar blinked, "What do you mean ' _how am I involved?'_ This is my plot!"

The Goblin King frowned slightly, " _You're_ the one trying to tear a hole in the fabric of reality using the doomsday amulet to bring back the Old Ones?"

Balthazar also frowned, "What!? No. What do the Old Ones have to do with this? I don't even worship the Old Ones! Why would I want those half-mad _things_ here? No," Balthazar straightened his cloak in a dignified manner, "This is me making a bid for absolute power."

"Huh," The King absorbed this information with a confused head tilt, "Then apologies Bathtub, but it would appear that I have bee misinformed." Balthazar felt like someone had dropped a ten tonne weight on his chest. He felt short of breath almost. A touch frantic, "What do you mean?"

The King carefully, impeccably adjusted his gloves, "It would appear that a very beautiful, very stubborn woman, supplied me with some wrong information, and I, in my ever impetuous judgement, rushed straight into this situation in an attempt to please her."

"So, you... you're not here for me?"

"No. Terribly sorry."

"But... I-I captured you!" Balthazar said, just a little dejectedly, "You walked right into my trap!" Balthazar cleared his throat, trying to cover up his whine.

"Oh, well... That's _nice_ ," the Goblin King gave a pained smile, "I suppose. However in all honesty, I thought you'd passed away awhile ago."

Balthazar gaped, "I just took a break from the schemes for a little while..."

The Goblin King's chains clanked as he shrugged his arms, "Well, I'm aware of that now."

Balthazar looked at his feet. He _knew_ he should have gone with heels! Maybe even a touch of the signature Goblin King glitter. Really be intimidating.

"I had really good plans," Balthazar said, pathetically, "I caught you and everything."

"Yes," said the King soothingly, "and in a dungeon no less. I truly appreciate the ambience you have going on here. Very dark, very damp. Not many people are willing to put in that sort of effort anymore."

Balthazar shifted in his cloak slightly, "Sure."

" _And,_ " continued the Goblin King, "You have aspirations and goals too! That's positive," he said in a kind, lilting voice.

Balthazar shrugged, "It's not like I've fulfilled them or anything."

"Come now," said the King, "even I have unfulfilled dreams."

" _Really?_ " Balthazar asked a tad disbelievingly.

The King nodded sagely, "Of course! I've been perusing Sarah romantically for years now and she won't even give me the time of day."

"Okay!" Balthazar's chest swelled with a gust of confidence, "Yeah, you're right! At least you're my arch enemy!"

Although his face remained impassive, the Goblin King's hesitation spoke mountains.

"We're not arch-enemies?" Asked Balthazar bleakly.

Jareth smiled awkwardly, "No... I would more say that... _Sarah_ would be my arch nemesis, perhaps. We have a pretty complicated history. A couple others maybe. Dresden the Slayer obviously and -"

"Wait," interrupted Balthazar, "I thought Sarah was the love of your life?"

The King cocked his head, "Well yes, but she's also my greatest adversary. As I said, we have a complicated history."

"Oh," Balthazar's pride deflated as quickly as it had swelled, "Right. Am I at least a deadly enemy?"

The King pulled a face, " _Moderately?_ "

Balthazar snarled, beginning to frantically pace, "Moderately? Moderately! How dare you? I'll show you _moderately_ deadly! I'll show everyone! I'm going to rule the world."

The King's mouth curled upwards revealing a single canine. It was an extremely smug look and Balthazar wanted desperately to wipe it off.

"Ah yes," smirked the King, "Absolute power."

"Yes," growled Balthazar, "You'll see. Under my rule, everything will be different."

"So... Dictatorship or democracy?"

Balthazar paused mid-step, a prickle of sweat developing under the overbearing fabric of his cloak, "What?"

The King's smirk became dangerously condescending, "When you have this so called... _Absolute power_ will you control the masses via a dictatorship, or will you lull them into a false sense of security via the facade of democracy?"

"I, um, wanted to be a King?" Said Balthazar quietly.

The Goblin King snorted, "Of course. Typical. Will it be constitutional at least?"

Balthazar pouted, "No! I'm going to have absolute power! I'm not sharing _my_ control with any bumbling minions." Somehow even kneeling on the ground, the Goblin King managed to look down his nose at Balthazar, "I see, and I take it you'll be receiving all the reports on how the world is running too?"

"Yep," said Balthazar with conviction.

The King raised a single pale eye-brow, "You will receive and reply to reports for across the entire world."

"Yep," said Balthazar with less conviction.

"On a daily basis?" The King asked doubtfully.

Balthazar tossed of his cloak exasperatedly, "Fine! I'll hire the bumbling minions or something and they can deal with the reports and then report back to me."

The King ran the tip of his tongue along his teeth calculatingly, "And each minion will rule over a section?"

"Obviously," sighed Balthazar, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"What will you do when one of your minions gets power hungry and attempts to dispose of you?"

"Wait what!?" Balthazar staggered a bit, "They do that."

The King nodded, "Frequently."

"Fine... Whatever! When they do that... I'll just... just..." Balthazar tapped his foot deep in thought before his eyes sparked maliciously, "I'll just kill them!"

The Goblin King rolled onto his back haunches, nodding with vicious approval.

Encouraged, Balthazar continued, "That's right! I'll kill them! I'll rule with an iron fist of... um... Iron. Absolute power!"

The Goblin King smirked, "Good, good. You're catching on."

Balthazar sighed in relief, wiping his sweaty hands off on his pants, "You really think I'm catch-"

"What are you going to do about the wars though?" Interrupted the Goblin King.

Balthazar groaned, "What do you mean wars?"

"Well," the King drawled, "There a currently numerous wars going on all around the world. What will you do to stop them?"

"I'll have absolute power! That'll stop them," Balthazar said confidently.

The King straight up laughed, "Let's pretend that your so called _absolute power_ does work. What will you do when all the megalomanic fae who are more powerful than you come to take over the Aboveground when they find out you're ruling?"

Balthazar rubbed his hands together gleefully, "This is where my plan comes in," He said, walking over to the cloak he had tossed aside and rummaged around for a secret pocket before withdrawing ornate wooden snuff-box.

Balthazar smirked at the King's sudden shift from sarcasm to respectful awe on his face.

"Is that-?" The King's voice took on a breathless quality that sounded close to lust, his eyes trained solely on the box.

Balthazar grinned, "Yes. In this box, holds the key to draining the power of all fae who dare defy me, Balthazar the great."

The King exhaled softly, "Missing for 500 years. So it's really in there?"

"Um," Balthazar stumbled a bit, "I don't actually know for certain. I only got it about fifteen minutes before I caught you and there really wasn't any time. It all happened so quick."

"Oh Baseball," The King scolded pityingly, "Please don't tell me you spent an excessive amount on a product you're not even sure you actually own."

Balthazar shifted from low-heeled foot to low-heeled foot, "Well... maybe." The King rolled his eyes to the ceiling, "Honestly Benjamin, such a disappointment," he tutted, minutely adjusting the cuffs of his completely ruined suit, "such a very large disappointment. Please tell me you didn't spend all your funds on this?"

Balthazar remained stonily quiet, clutching his box.

The King chuckled, "You were more impressive when I thought you were dead!"

"SHUT UP!" snapped Balthazar, "Shut up! I caught you! You can't laugh. Soon you'll be the dead one out of the pair of us anyway," he promised, fidgeting with the clasp slightly, "How would I know it's in here without my magic being drained anyway?"

The King shrugged indifferently but his eyes, lit up by curiosity, called his bluff, "Hold the box to your ear. Maybe there'll be a buzzing."

Balthazar held the box to his ear. It remained stubbornly silent.

"There isn't a buzzing," Balthazar informed the King.

A smile slowly curled across the King, "I have an idea. Release it. Right by me. After 500 years of being in a box, surely it would be sluggish. It will fly to me, drain me of my magic and while it is slow and bloated on my power you can catch it again. That way, you'll know if it's there and if it works."

Balthazar felt unsure, "Why would you be willing to have your magic drained?"

The Goblin King's eerie smile stayed in place, "My life has been so long. I've seen and done so much and for a long time, I was so bored. To be limited, to have mortality may grant me with a sense of urgency, something to end the monotony of eternity. Sarah is what ended my boredom, however she won't be with me," The King tilted his head to the side, "I believe my longevity is what's scaring her off. With my magic gone, I may finally be able to peruse her."

Balthazar shivered, wishing he hadn't thrown his cloak off. It was really, really weird to here the fearsome Goblin King talking like that. Slowly he put down the box and flipped the lid before backing into the corner.

And then Balthazar heard the greatest sound in existence.

The soft buzzing of a bug.

Both Balthazar and the King watched on with extreme reverence as with a slight fluttering spiral, a small bug emerged from the box.

"Amazing," sighed the Goblin King, "They say that it was created at the dawn of time, a demon was slain in battle, and as he was dying a this tiny, insignificant bug drank some of it's blood. This bug became the demon's last weapon, with the ability to drain fae of their magic," then, the King smirked, "or so they say," with a subtle shift of a beautifully made Italian shoe, the King crushed Balthazar's only hope at absolute power.

"I guess we'll never know for sure," said the King, smearing the bug across the floor with his foot.

Balthazar let out an anguished bellow. He charged blindly, filled with burning rage only to be met with a fist to the face.

Balthazar moaned, hot blood oozed from his nose. Tears steaming down his face, Balthazar staggered back, only to realise that, yes, the Goblin King was still in chains. He had in fact run into the fist of a pretty girl with long, dark hair.

In his anger he hadn't noticed the door of the dungeon opening.

"Sarah!" the King exclaimed gleefully, "My beautiful hero, you've come to rescue me!"

Balthazar screamed angrily, rushing at the girl.

This time he was kicked in the balls. He landed in a heap, heaving dry, angry sobs.

His plans had failed. He had no money left. He'd also just been defeated by a woman.

"Well Jareth," said the woman, "I've got to admit, I've always kinda wanted to see you in this sort of situation."

"Sarah," the King scolded playfully, "Naughty, naughty, wanting me all chained up. Save it for the bedroom."

The woman, Sarah, groaned, "Jareth. That is not what I meant, you pervy scumbag."

"Oh I think it might have been," said the King

"No! I just meant that I wanted," she sounded flustered now, "no, um, that it serves you right for being so arrogantly over confident all the time."

Balthazar heard the King hum the first few bars of M. C Hammer's, Can't Touch This, "She's a very kinky girl. The kind you don't take home to mother," the King sang suavely.

It was to this that Balthazar passed out to.

When he woke up he was in a small cell enshrouded cloak of shadowy, dark... shadows.

It also smelt a bit of urine.

Apparently this was what the holding cells of the agency looked like.

* * *

 _A/N: Howdy everyone!_

 _This fabulous little number was edit and spell checked by the amazing Sazzle76. 10/10 great banter and an amazing story_ _writer._

 _Set in the 667 universe but it's not essential to read that one._

 _Balthazar was a very fun character to write. I love a good villain who is barely a villain. He's pathetic but in such an almost loveable way._

Now for the life update, you can skip this if you're new:

 _Guess who's not dead? It's me, ya gal, Redwood Manning._

 _Essentially I've had a really wild 14 months and my initial sabbatical from was prompted because a doctor accidentally mis-diagnosed me with a very serious, potentially fatal, disease._

 _This prompted an existential crisis and I went out and lived very hard and then promptly found out I was allergic to most alcohols. Fun._

 _Then while illegally downloading textbooks on Russian history, my bank account was hacked along with my email address and I could no longer access my original ff account._

 _Wild my dudes. Wild._

 _Anyway she's back and holding down 3 jobs as well as performing in a couple plays so don't expect many updates but I'm going to try finish up some of my old ones!_

 _I hope everyone is fine and dandy and I will hopefully be writing more frequently soon!_


End file.
